Taming Your Anger

Furthermore, there is probably nothing more destructive to personal relationships than unresolved buried anger or hostility.

Hostility attacks people. Healthy anger is directed against wrong-doing, is connected with love, and is the right amount of anger for the given situation. A helpful question to ask yourself if you think you might be overreacting is: "Should I be this angry?"

People who overreact to situations usually have a lot of repressed anger. The immediate situation that brings out the out-of-proportion anger doesn't cause it. It triggers what is already there.

The Bible reminds us that "If you are slow to get angry, you are wise. But if you are quick-tempered, you only show foolishness."³ This isn't an excuse for denying one's anger, as denial can be equally foolish and destructive.

Being quick-tempered is usually overreacting, a sign of unresolved anger.

The Bible also advises: "So get rid of your feelings of hatred [anger]. Don't just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty."⁴ Also, "If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the Devil."⁵

Hostility attacks people.
Healthy anger is directed
against wrong-doing.

How to resolve "normal" anger

First, be honest and admit how you are feeling.

Second, accept yourself as a normal human being who sometimes has angry feelings.

Third, determine to resolve your feelings the same day.

Fourth, express your feeling creatively—perhaps to an understanding friend first or to an "imaginary" substitute, and where necessary, to the person at whom you are angry. This is not an excuse to lash out at others. The goal should always be to "speak the truth in love."⁶

When expressing anger we need to verbalize the emotion. Talking about the anger doesn't resolve it. The emotion needs to be released—not as an attack or as blame, but as a confession and expression of our feeling as our problem. When this is done, the anger dissipates.

It is neither true nor helpful to say, "You make me mad." This is blaming the other person for your reaction and puts him or her on the defensive. It is more helpful to say, "I need to talk to you about such and such. I feel very angry about this. I know my anger is my problem and I may be overreacting, but I need to talk to you about this matter." That is, use "I" messages, not "you" messages.

Anger can also be expressed in writing, as David did in Psalms.⁷ I have done this many times, after which I have torn up the piece of paper. Where necessary I have re-written those feelings and personally shared them with the other person or people involved.

Resolving relationships is very important. Christ reminds us that if we have any conflict with another person, we are to put things right before bringing our gifts to God.⁸

Fifth, before expressing anger, check to see if you are feeling afraid or threatened, because anger is often used as a defense against feeling afraid. If fear is the problem, talk about that.

Sixth, when you have shared and resolved your anger, forgive any and all who have hurt you for "failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Actually, until one has resolved his/her anger, it is impossible to truly forgive. Resolving one's anger clears the way for forgiveness.

For physical, emotional and spiritual health we need to be in touch with all our feelings (positive and negative), and use and express them in creative ways. This, too, is the way of love, for unresolved anger turns into resentment and builds barriers between friends, loved ones and even God, and blocks out love.

How to resolve hostility and buried anger

To resolve hostility caused by unresolved anger from the past—even all the way back to childhood—usually needs the help of a skilled professional counselor. If this is your situation, recovery begins with acknowledging your problem and admitting that you need help. Ask your minister or your family doctor if they can recommend a counselor who specializes in anger management. And above all, admit and confess your problem to God. One of the most powerful prayers anyone can ever pray is, "God I have a problem. I need help. Please be merciful to me a sinner and lead me to the help I need to overcome my sinful problem (be sure to name the problem. Call it what it is)." 

1. Mark 3:5 (NIV).     2. Cecil Osborne, The Art of Understanding Yourself, Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1967, p. 61.    3. Proverbs 14:29.    4. 1 Peter 2:1 (TLB).    5. Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB).    6. Ephesians 4:15.    7. See Psalm 109.    8. See Mark 11:25.

Back to Page One