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im was standing in line at the supermarket checkout when, to his amazement, in charged an angry, aggressive man, with his browbeaten wife in tow, pushing in line ahead of Jim and several other customers. With a forty pound (twenty-kilogram) sack of flour slung over his shoulder and handing his wife some money, he growled: \"Here, you pay for the stuff.\" He then proceeded to stomp off with his bag of flour.

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Unknown to him, there was a hole in the back of the flour bag. As he stormed out of the supermarket, he left behind a trail of white flour all the way to his car. As Jim walked out of the store, the angry man had just discovered his now half-empty sack of flour. Poetic justice one might suggest!

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What makes people like this man so obnoxious? Among other possibilities, he undoubtedly has a very poor self-image. The bottom line is that these people don\'t feel loved. That\'s why his wife was such a wimp, too. People who strongly dislike themselves tend to either become weak, passive and over-compliant and withdraw, or project their self-hatred onto the people around them by being aggressive and bullying. Because they don\'t like themselves, they believe others don\'t like them either and set themselves up to be rejected.

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At the root of many of life\'s conflicts, personal problems, and failures is a low sense of self-worth. If, for example, I believe and feel I am a failure, I will set myself up to fail. And if I believe I am a bad person, I will act accordingly.

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On the other hand, if I believe myself to be a person of worth and am lovable, I will act in a worthwhile and lovable manner. If I believe I am a successful person, not in an egotistic way but in a healthy sense, I will succeed in life. This doesn\'t mean that I won\'t make mistakes and experience failures from time to time. But when I do, I may be disappointed, but I won\'t be devastated and will ask myself, \"What can I learn from this experience?\" I will then get up and try, try, try again—until I do succeed!

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A person with a healthy self-concept
is not conceited, arrogant or proud.

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The self-concept is basically comprised of one\'s (1) self-image—how I picture or see myself, (2) self-esteem—how I feel about myself; and (3) self-worth—how much I value myself, all of which add up to one\'s level of self-acceptance, which is how much or how well I accept myself;

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A person with a healthy self-concept is not conceited, arrogant or proud. That kind of person is covering up a poor self-concept. Healthy people know what their strengths and abilities are and develop and use these to achieve worthwhile goals. They also acknowledge their weaknesses without putting themselves down because of them, and work to overcome and master these.

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A healthy self-concept is central to one\'s success in life. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Their self is a gift from God, but their self-concept is pretty much in our hands. However, if we parents fail to love and accept ourselves in a healthy sense, we cannot help our children develop a healthy self-concept because we cannot give what we don\'t have. Furthermore, without a healthy self-concept we become our own worst enemy.

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By the way, while the Bible says to love our neighbor as our self,¹ a humorist remarked, \"Heaven help your neighbor if you hate yourself.\" There\'s a lot of truth in that statement.

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God\'s Word also says we are not to think too highly of ourselves.³ This doesn\'t mean that we are to think too lowly of ourselves and have a poor self-image or a bad self-concept. We need to see and accept ourselves as God sees and accepts us which will give us a very healthy-self concept. So how then can we overcome a poor self-concept and/or make a good self-concept better?

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First, we need to be real. Many of us are afraid that if we are known as we really are, we won\'t be liked, so we pretend to be something we are not. People may like the mask or the false front or happy face we wear, but this will never make us feel loved because what they like is not the real us. We can only be loved to the degree that we allow ourselves to be known for who we are.

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Second, to be real I need to be connected to my dark side which is the side of me that is hidden, often from my self as well as from others. It is that part of me that I am ashamed of or feel embarrassed or guilty about—often a major cause of why I don\'t like or reject myself.

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The dark side may or may not be anything that I have done that is bad. It can be parts of me that were rejected when I was small, or it maybe where somebody has done something hurtful to me somewhere in my past. For instance, if somebody consistently put me down when I was a child and made fun of my ears or anything else—and I buried those hurtful feelings—I need to get in touch with that pain and express it to a loving friend or counselor to have that side of me accepted.

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Or, if I was rejected or abused either physically, emotionally, or sexually in any way, that experience also needs to be brought into the light and the pain and anger resolved before I can fully love and accept myself. In fact, all painful memories and unresolved feelings of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hurt or grief need to be brought into the open and resolved so I can be freed from my past and forgive those who have hurt me. Unresolved, these supercharged, repressed negative emotions are barriers that stop me fully loving myself and others.

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Love is a skill to be learned.

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Third, we learn self-love. As the Bible teaches, we love God because he first loved us.³ While this can be very difficult and threatening to grasp, we love other people and ourselves in exactly the same way. That is, we need someone to first love us because love is a skill to be learned.

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If I didn\'t feel loved or sufficiently loved as a child, it\'s not likely that I will feel loved as an adult. To overcome, I need somebody to love me first. As I get connected to my dark side and share all these wounded parts of me with at least one or two safe people, as they love and accept me as I am—warts and all, little by little I learn to love and accept myself. (Safe people are those who know me and still love me and will not reject, judge, or try to fix or change me when I share my real self with them.)

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Fourth, it is imperative that I resolve any and all unresolved feelings of hatred (stored up anger) and all other repressed negative emotions. As the Bible says, \"Get rid of your feelings of hatred and don\'t just pretend to be good.\"⁴ We don\'t get rid of these damaging emotions by repressing and denying them. They need to be brought out into the open and resolved in healthy ways. Repressed they are destructive to healthy living, healthy relationships, and to having a healthy self-concept.

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Fifth, I need to live in harmony with healthy moral and ethical values based on God\'s standards, and maintain clearly defined boundaries—that is, ensure that I live by my values and don\'t allow boundary-busters to violate my personal boundaries. When I live this way, I feel good about myself. And when I don\'t, I don\'t feel good about myself!

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Sixth, it is also imperative that I forgive all whom I feel have hurt or offended me. Failing to forgive keeps me bound to my past and trapped by my unresolved negative feelings.

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Seventh, the ultimate in self-love and acceptance is to feel connected to God and know/experience his love and affirmation at the very core of my being. This begins by confessing our dark side and our sins to God, asking for his forgiveness and accepting his Son, Jesus Christ, into my heart and life as personal Lord and Savior. And then, as we take the above steps to improve our self-concept and reach out and love other people, more and more we experience God\'s love. As God\'s Word says, \"If we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us.\"⁵

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1. Matthew 22:39, (NIV).
2. Romans 12:3, (NIV).
3. 1. I John 4:19.
4. 1. Peter 2:1-2, (TLB).
5. I John 4:12.

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