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hen I first met Jennifer at a seminar that I was leading, she was very withdrawn and her face, apart from sad eyes, was expressionless. She said little all day but her body language spoke volumes. It didn\'t take a great deal of insight to realize that Jennifer was in incredible pain.

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I was quite busy and didn\'t give any more thought to Jennifer until a few weeks later when she turned up a thousand miles away at a more intensive week-long counseling workshop. Here her story unfolded.

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Jennifer was at breaking point. She had a young son and was about to give him up for adoption. She told us she was so afraid to be touched she couldn\'t stand her own child hugging her. It was no surprise to learn that Jennifer was a rape victim—repeated rape. In fact, her son was a child of rape. It started when she was very young and left her paralyzed with fear.

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Like a lion in the forest preys on wounded animals, perpetrating men saw Jennifer as easy prey and had been violating her for much of her 40 years. She came to our counseling week as a last hope. Since nothing else had worked, she determined that if she didn\'t find help here, she was going to take her life.

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Fortunately, Jennifer found a place where she felt safe to share her story and express the incredibly painful emotions that had been bottled up inside since she was repeatedly raped as a small child and as an adolescent. Time and again she had been used and shamed. She felt ugly, dirty, unlovable, and despised.

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She felt that suicide
was the only way out.

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To be healed Jennifer needed to share not only what had happened to her (where she had been sinned against) but also all of the hurt, shame, anger (rage), and terror she felt. Although her painful emotions were justified by the horrible mistreatment she had suffered, Jennifer had turned these emotions against herself and they were destroying her.

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Cautiously, Jennifer began to share. Then her feelings came rushing out in torrents. It was the first time in her life she completely shared her bottled-up emotions. This catharsis (emptying out) was essential to open the way for Jennifer to begin to heal. Without first taking this step, she couldn\'t be freed from the past so she could, in time, move to a point of forgiveness. After three days of painful sharing, we prayed for Jennifer. She went back to her room and returned some time later looking like a different person. She put on a pretty blouse, makeup, fixed her hair, and came in wearing a million-dollar smile. She had a long road ahead but her healing and freedom from the past had begun.

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More than a year after the seminars I ran into Jennifer again. She had sought out Christian counseling and although her progress was slow, she was doing incredibly well. Her spiritual and emotional healing was well underway.

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Jennifer\'s story is by no means unusual as there are millions of others who have been sexually, physically and/or emotionally abused. Others of us, while not suffering such extreme abuse, still have plenty of wounds and unmet needs. We live in a sinful, fallen world and none of us escape the ravages of sin. Every family has some \"dysfunction.\" True, some families are more dysfunctional than others, but every family has been affected. Some of us are either co-dependent or overly independent. Others of us are detached, perfectionistic, prone to anger, excessively anxious or sad. Each of us needs some spiritual, emotional, or relational healing.

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Page 2

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One of the facts of life is that we are destined to repeat in one form or another those dysfunctions we fail to resolve, or take out our hurt and anger on the ones we love-and then pass on our dysfunctions to our children! The Bible says, \"The sins of the fathers are visited to the third and fourth generation.\"¹ This is why it is imperative that, with God\'s help, we resolve them. The following steps will help.

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First, we need to admit that we have been hurt, that we have a problem, and that we need healing.

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Second, we need to want healing badly enough to be willing to face our pain rather than bury it. As Jesus, the Master physician, said to a man who had been an invalid for 38 years: \"Do you want to get well?\"² It sounds like a silly question but it is really profound. We have to want to get better badly enough to face our hidden or painful hurts. Only those who want to be healed will be. The half-hearted never make it.

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Third, it isn\'t enough to talk about our painful feelings. We need to find a safe place with a trusted friend, counselor, therapy group, or recovery group where we can confidentially experience and express our feelings of hurt, guilt, shame, anger, fear, plus our sins and faults. These are the secrets that comprise our dark side which, unconfessed, keep us bound. As it has been said, \"We are as sick as our secrets.\"

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Fourth, when necessary, where we have hurt somebody else, we need to seek their forgiveness and, wherever possible, right the wrong that we have done.

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Jennifer came in wearing a million
dollar smile. Her healing had begun.

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Fifth, we then need to forgive all who have hurt us. This is part of gaining freedom from the past. Once we have grown strong enough to face our pain, set appropriate boundaries, and develop some safe relationships, we can begin to forgive. But we cannot simply put forgiveness on top of unresolved hurt, grief, or anger. These must first be dealt with and resolved. Then we are ready to forgive.

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Sixth, we need to confess our sins and faults to God and ask for and receive his forgiveness. His Word says, \"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.\"³

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Seventh, we need to forgive ourselves, let go of the past, and move on to become the persons God planned for us to be. Once we have faced our pain and hurt and anger and begun to forgive, we can start looking ahead in life.

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Eighth, develop a healthy support network with a trusted friend or two. At the very minimum, ask God to give you at least one close friend whom you trust implicitly and with whom you can share your total self-your joys sorrows, victories, and failures-and with whom you can keep accountable.

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Finally, we need to consistently seek God\'s help through prayer, scripture, and Christian fellowship. I don\'t mean through a magical quick fix but rather through the miracle of God\'s healing over time through our relationship with Him and members of the body of Christ. In fact, one of the names for God in Hebrew, Yahweh-rophe, literally means \"The Lord who heals.\"

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God wants to heal us and has shown us the way. It\'s in the Bible which says, \"Confess your sins and faults to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.\"⁴ Do you want to be healed? Do it God\'s way and you will be. It may take time but He wants you to become the person He created you to be.

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1. Deuteronomy 5:9. 2. John 5:6. 3. 1 John 1:9 (NIV). 4. James 5:16.

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