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"A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again."1

A Daily Encounter subscriber writes, "Dear ACTS, I have a relationship problem. My second relationship turns out to be a man of many personalities with a hidden secret to his life. What should I do? Move on or help out as a friend? Please help."

Hello Jean (name changed), chances are that you may not like what I have to say but the fact is that the kind of persons we are attracted to—especially romantically—says a lot about ourselves. Thus, it is very important that you understand what it is in you that attracted you to this type of person and they to you. As I have often said, we are as sick (or as healthy) as the person/s we are attracted to.

It is one thing to help a person if you are a counselor and they admit that they have a problem and need help. It is a totally different thing if you are romantically interested in a person who is in need of help and you want to "fix" him. Not good. Chances are you are a co-dependent person who needs to be needed in order to feel loved. The problem is that this is not love—it is need. Furthermore, being the helper/fixer of someone else is a way to avoid facing and resolving your own issues. Keep in mind, too, that codependent people are attracted to over-dependent, needy persons.

The only way anyone of us can find and have healthy relationships is to become healthy and whole ourselves. For only to the degree that we are made whole will our lifestyle, our attitudes, our behaviors, and our relationships be wholesome.

So whatever you do, before you make a commitment and get involved romantically with any man be absolutely sure you are emotionally healthy and ready for a healthy relationship. Let this be a wake-up call for you to get into a recovery program and work on your own growth and well-being.

You may find some very helpful articles on our website at

Also, every day pray and commit and trust your life and way to God asking him to help you become a whole and healthy person—the kind of person he wants each one of us to be.

Suggested prayer: Dear God, please reveal to me any areas in my life—any areas of immaturity and weaknesses—that I need to face and resolve so that I will become whole and healthy and so that all my relationships will be wholesome and healthy, and bring glory to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Proverbs 19:19 (NIV).


All articles on this website are written by
Richard (Dick) Innes unless otherwise stated.